To the friends I've lost/I'm losing

I really thought we'd find our way back even after meeting that fork in the road.

I do wish I had done something and said things soon enough. And I do wish I still have it in me to try harder. I guess the timing is off. I'm in a place where I bruise easily and I can't possibly handle any more of this alienation that I'm getting. 

It's gonna take me a while to stop thinking about the life long friendship we could have had. 

But who are we kidding? You're too far gone. It's time to send some love and move along. I'm done crying myself to sleep over not being invited for lunch.

The Biochemical Debacle: A Chemical Romance

As some of you may have heard, I have relocated to a different city. The vernacular is my native tongue. I have the same job that I love in pretty much the same university, just a different campus. It shouldn't be much of an adjustment, right?

Now insert the Biochem debacle.

To those who have come to know me well enough, you may have noticed my elusive behavior towards Biochem. See previous blog post (My Chemical Romance). Much to my chagrin, I am forced to face the man behind the horrible first date (I’m still putting this in the ‘men in my life’ context). Yes folks, I am teaching Biochemistry… and I’m not just one of the lab instructors. I teach all the Biochem classes—lab and lec. I am pretty much the entire Biochem division that a former colleague even jokingly called me the division head.

While this is very funny to me and to all those who are close to me, some of you might find this appalling. How will someone who self-proclaimed that she “can’t stand” Biochem be an effective teacher? Brace yourselves. I am about to turn you over to the other side.

I was actually asked if I would be willing to teach the subject. I said yes. Why? Have you seen the latest Drew Barrymore-Adam Sandler movie? The story goes like this. They go on a date and it was the worst ever for both of them. Several years later, they meet again in a vacation in South Africa. By then, they have had their failed marriages on their shoulders and their own set of kids. Practically, that horrible first date was another lifetime ago and yet they were reluctant to give each other another try. But as all romantic comedies go, they end up together and a feel good song plays during the closing credits to suggest a happy ever after.

While I am not expecting rainbows and butterflies with Biochem, the movie has opened my eyes to something. That horrible first and last date has been a lifetime ago. Things we have changed enough to make it work this time.

I am not merely giving Biochem another shot. I am also taking the chance to redeem myself to Biochem. To those who have watched PACSiklaban during the time when I was the team captain, you may have remembered that it was a Biochem question that forced me to utter my infamous line—“I rest my case.” While I can no longer remember the exact answer I was defending at the time (I never really understood the question in the first place! haha), I still remember how it made me feel. It was like a sloppy first kiss that left a bad taste in my mouth (forgive my choice of analogy).

If you feel like I am taking a chance on something that would compromise my students’ education, this is me making my case. Teaching is something I truly love. I speak passionately about my students or little monsters as I call them. I would never do anything that would jeopardize their future. This may sound contrite but it holds a lot of truth—I will always give the little monsters their best chance.. not just at passing the course, but also through life in general. I did not make this commitment to Biochem just to see how it goes. I am bent on making things happen. Yes, I am willing to bend over backwards to make this work.

If that isn’t enough to convince you, let me tell you something that no one really knows. I was never truly bad at Biochem. It was a Biochem lecture exam that gave me a 99% score—a record high for me. I was also the only person in my laboratory class who got exempted from the final exam. Surprise! Surprise!

Sure it did not resonate with me the way Phychem, Inorg or Organic did. It did not push me as hard as Analytical did. But I also did not really dislike it. I just had a preference to all other branches of chemistry over it. I was at that point in my academic career to have had enough skills to breeze through exams without having to study that much. I didn’t wanna bother memorizing anything. Simply put—I was badass enough that I didn't wanna risk being seen dating a sissy (again forgive the analogy).

For the information of everyone, I am no longer the self-absorbed self-proclaimed badass that I was. Life has humbled me enough. More importantly, I have come to the realization that I cannot just breeze through life by staying within my niche. Afterall, I have not found my “one true love” from the ones that I thought made a better fit with me. It’s time to venture out and really work for it. As they say, the things that do not come easy are the same things that we end up holding on tighter.

Biochem may have never really been the boring sissy that I pegged him to be. Maybe I was just not that open to the idea of sucking faces with him. (I seriously need to work on my analogies)

So I’m bracing myself. This is gonna be a roller coaster ride. And I’m looking forward to it.

Don’t worry. I’ll kiss and tell this time.




[Disclaimer: This blog may contain things that one may find "suggestive". Suggestive folks, not explicit. Anything you put into this is purely a product of your imagination. So don't judge me by my choice of analogy.]

Pen Drought: An Open Letter to my Students

We have yet again reached the conclusion of a semester. By now, you already know what that means. It’s time to count the pens!

…or the lack thereof. Although the number is not totally zero, it is safe to say that we have a pen drought this semester. I cannot  really say that I’m disappointed though.  Here’s why.

Chem 16.1 13L

You’ve been getting really low scores. A lot of you come in a little late for class (ok 9 am is not a little late for our 7 am class). Some of you even slept through it. Despite of and in spite of that, I do not entirely despise you. That is because when I handed you your first exam, you said you would try to do better. I wasn’t really sure if you meant it. I’m not even sure if we did “do better” in the end, but what I’m sure of is that you tried… and trying is the only thing I could really ask for. That, my dearest 13L, is your redeeming quality. You know some reactions do proceed slower than others, but that is not to say that they do not proceed to essential completion. I have unrelenting faith that your efforts will not go unrewarded. So never stop trying. You will get there. I will owe you a pen someday. And even if that day is yet to come, I’m already proud of you.

Chem 16.1 15L

Every semester, I’d ask my students to call me “miss”, not “ma’am”. For some reason, only one class will follow through. Maybe because such small detail will only stick for the class who either (a) care enough to consider what I want or (b) fast enough not to overlook such minute detail (and by fast I mean “not slow”). Whichever category you fall into, I already love you for it.

It’s funny though.  I remember you laughing at a particular class I mentioned in one of my previous blogs—the class who “doesn’t like pens”—and  yet you have befallen the same fate. Well almost. One of you did get a pen in the end but let’s face it, none of you earned it from topping exams. Until now, I’m still baffled why none of you managed to top exams. For some reason, I couldn’t bring myself to hate you for it. Maybe because some of you came really close or maybe it’s because you call me “miss” (yes, it goes back to that. haha)

Chem 111.1 7L

With my other classes, I might as well be suffocating from mediocrity. You are my breath of fresh air. I couldn’t explain it really but here’s an attempt. It’s my first time to teach Chem 111.1 and with that comes shortcomings on my part. And yet I never felt inadequate. Imperfect but not inadequate. Chem 111.1 is not an easy subject to teach. And yet you pulled through it seamlessly.

I never got to give you my sem-ender speech. We parted ways on the worst day of my life. Anyway, here is the speech you deserve.

I have a thing for pens. I give them out to students who top lab exams and get a grade of 1.75 or better (see previous blogs). I don’t think I even mentioned this to you. And that’s just because I never felt like I needed to inspire you. I was never worried about how you’d do in your exams. Nervous, yes, but never   worried. But don’t mistake this as a form of indifference. It may seem as if I just don’t care enough but the truth is that I simply trust that you already have everything you need to pass the course. Apparently, I am right. Other than the three of you who dropped early on, none of you were in jeopardy of failing. I didn’t even have to give a 3.0. Although I never got to give any of you a pen, I look forward to owing you one.

Here’s the deal. Graduate with honors, top your boards, win best thesis awards, or be successful enough in your career that you feel like you got better than a 1.75 in Chem 111.1. When you do any of that, give me a call. I shall have a pen ready with your initials on it. Note here that I used “when” instead of “if”. I believe in you that much.

xoxoxoxo

Okay, so let’s go back to the glaring question of who earned a pen this semester. By now, you should have already figured out that the magic number is one. Yes folks, only one person got a pen… and that person is…

<drum rolls>

Mr. Glenn Aldrix Anarna (15L), 1.75

<testimonial and picture to follow>

Congratulations, you made it to the Parker Hall of Fame!

Chemical Affairs (My Chemical Romance: Chapter 2)

It's been a while since I wrote that blog describing my relationships with Chemistry. Now that I'm enrolled as a graduate student, I am once again mingling with the men in my life.

I know, I know. I know I've told you one too many times before that I never want to sit through a boring class again--classes that made me want to shoot myself in the head before. But then again, teaching comes with certain responsibilities which include bettering yourself by taking higher education.

So here I am. Obliged to be face to face with two of the men in my life (both at the same time, mind you)--Organic Chemistry and Inorganic Chemistry. If you remember from my previous blog, Organic Chem was an old friend who decided to be more than just friends with me. That didn't work very well. We were friends before and we should just get back to being just friends, right? Well apparently, that bridge has been burned. We hate each other's guts. I'm so over you and I don't wanna be your friend.

Inorganic Chemistry and I used to be passionately in love. How are we today? Well honey that flame has been put off a long time ago, never to be lit again.

I am so uninspired. I'mma give Phychem a try next semester. If I don't see anything there, it's probably time to move on from chemistry and classify it as history.

Disclaimer: This is written during a bad hair day in bad weather.

An Open Letter to my Apathetic Little Monsters

Second exam results came in. I was about to throw a fit when I realized it would do no good. I'm not mad. I'm just disappointed. So instead, I discreetly wrote this blog in class while they were busy.


Dear Little Monsters,

You said you would do better this time. You said you'd try harder. Just like the look in your eyes during class, your promises appear to be empty.

I don't get why I'm not getting through. I don't get why I can't get you to listen better. Sometimes I wonder why I even care when you don't.

The room reeks of apathy and I'm sick of it. The worst thing is that I can't seem to fix you because you seem to be okay with yourself.

I've looked over your prerequisite grades again. I cannot tell whether you're happy with them but I do know for sure that you're not doing anything about them.

I'm not saying you're not entitled to be contented with what you have. But would it really hurt to try to achieve more? Try. The operative word is try.

I get how it must have hurt like hell when you failed Chem 16 and had to retake it. But why did you have to stop trying?

It's like Elena Gilbert turning off her humanity because she couldn't bear the pains associated with being human. The thing is, failing to acknowledge something doesn't mean it will cease to exist.

Sure, if you stop worrying about your grades you won't feel bad about failing. But the thing is, that failure will one day come to bite you in the ass.

This is a new term, a new opportunity for redemption and yet you just want to breeze through and get it over with.

I'm so close to giving up on you. Let's hope I can hang on longer than you did.

Sincerely,
GJSMercado

Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless handheld

On Parker Pens: A Reprise

Another academic term has come to an end. It's about time to tally the pens I've given out throughout the semester.

To be honest, the sem started slow for the little monsters. The first exam breezed through with only one or two pens given away per class. The pace started to pickup just as we approached the second exam. I was under the impression that the new set of little monsters will never measure up to the ones I had during the first sem. I was wrong. Dead wrong.

Fourteen pens. This is what I owed the little monsters when the second exam results came in. Maybe it was sheer luck or pure brilliance; we can never tell. I, too, was surprised as I was computing the scores. Fourteen students getting above 90% scores--this is perhaps a feat that may never be repeated throughout my entire career.

Let me paint you a picture. My usual record is one or two topscorers, three at most. If this is the case for all sections, that means there should be at least 45 topnotchers per departmental exam (there are 45 Chem 15.1 sections). But that is not the case. There are only around 20 topnotchers per exam. Now consider the same number and bear in mind that fourteen of them is mine (9 from 30L and 5 from 35L).

As much as I would like to vandalize the list of topnotchers and write "mine" where appropriate, I had to restrain myself and set a good example. Instead, I am immortalizing that moment with this blog.

In an unfortunate twist of fate, their proud instructor was broke at the time and was not able to give all fourteen students the pen they deserve. Such a shame. The bar was raised to 95% so only a few pens were given away. The rest were given Hershey's treats. Again, such a shame. The thing is, if the little monsters had only done incredibly well in the first exam, I would have starved myself so I could save up for pens for the second exam. Yes, the fault goes back to them.

Mkay, so after that much ado, here is the tally of pens:

Chem 15.1 30L - 8

Chem 15.1 35L - 7

Chem 17.1 11L - 4

Chem 17.1 9L - 0 (they don't like pens)

And here are the newest additions to the Parker Hall of Fame:

Joan de Lima, 35L, 1.25

This is by far the highest grade I have given. Ms. de Lima has consistently topped exams and has garnered three pens from me, one of which is the much coveted Parker Jotter. Not only is Ms. de Lima good at exams, she has also steered her group to correct inferences.

Jocel Hernandez, 30L, 1.75

Ms. Hernandez was never a silent killer. In all the challenge problems I had given, she was always the first to finish. Challenge problems are as the name implies, challenging. These are problems that must be answered correctly before I allow them to take the drill. The longer they dwell on the challenge problem, the lesser time they get for answering the drill... So it's always a race... and Ms. Hernandez is always the first to cross the finish line.

Dave Duhan, 11L, 1.5

I've always known that Mr. Duhan had always had a good grasp of the concepts. This is evident in his full reports and in his exams as well. He never scored lower than 90% in all his Chem 17.1 lab exams. The way he looks at things is reminiscent of a once budding chemist--myself. Perhaps this is because I practically raised him. He was my student in Chem 16.1 and he once again appeared in my Chem 17.1 classlist. If I must say so myself, napalaki ko siya ng maayos.

While the Parker Hall of Fame is the highest pedestal where I place my bright little monsters, there is another student that did not make it there but whom I speak highly of-- Ms. Maetien Dayto. Ms. Dayto got a more than perfect score in the second exam-- a difficult feat for a Chem 15.1 student. She had no mistakes, not so much as an SF error. Nada. She also got the full three-point bonus. What's more interesting than getting a 103.5/100 score is the fact that she only got 80+ in her first exam. Indeed, Ms. Dayto is my most improved little monster.

Throughout the sem, she garnered three pens, one of which bore her initials. Had she been on a different class than Ms. de Lima, she would have made it in the Parker Hall of Fame. She incurred a grade of 1.5.

To be quite honest, I had a few more students that I expected to make it to the Hall of Fame but somehow fell short. I am not a b*tch who denied them of their Parker. I am merely honoring the rules we agreed upon. The Parker Hall of Famer must be the top student of the class and number two is not the top spot. The Parker Hall of Famer must also have a grade of 1.75 or better. Both conditions must be satisfied.

Yes, my rules are fragile. If you bend them, you break them. If you did not receive a Parker, it may just be because I had to follow the rules. Maybe the entire time, I am silently rooting for you. And maybe there's already a pen in my drawer, waiting for you to be earned.

Yes, little monster. I am looking forward to owing you a pen.

The IC PACSiklaban Legacy

It has been a while since my last blog. This may not seem unusual with my blogging pattern but considering the blog-worthy events in the past few weeks, even I myself am surprised why it took me so long to write this one. Blogger's block perhaps? Well whatever it is, this is my attempt at putting a stop to it.

Having gone back to UPLB, I am once again part of the exclusive circle that is the IC PACSiklaban team. This time however, I am on the opposite end on the track. I am.. wait for it.. A COACH.

This is really new to me. I have always seen my coaches back then as very competent, responsible and for lack of a better word, terrifying individuals. Let's face it. I'm barely one of three things. The worst thing here is although I'm not the head coach, I am the eldest of the full time coaches. That only means one thing--I have to be the responsible adult. To me, nothing else can get more terrifying than that.

Eight kids. This year we have entrusted the PACS legacy to eight kids who we have to train, feed and look after. These kids are the cream of the crop, the top of the heap, the kings of the hill.. I've ran out of idioms but you get the idea. So how hard can our job be?

Well if you don't already know, the people who came before us cast a pretty big shadow and very huge shoes to fit into. The thing is, at the end of the season, the team always ends up filling those shoes. Always. So the pressure is on us. It is our duty to help these kids grow into the perfect fit. And grow they did.

Throughout the entire season, there were but few moments of disappointments and a hell lot more surprising sparks of brilliance. For several days, the kids have been getting perfect scores in Inorganic Chemistry. But in an unfortunate twist of fate, their inorg coach jinxed it by bragging too much about it. Minsan lang naman naputol yung perfect streak. Anyhow, I've learned my lesson: Glowie, be humble.

The kids and us, coaches have grown to be a family. A wee bit dysfunctional perhaps, but a family nonetheless. I think one thing we did differently is that more than anything, we made it a point to be there for the kids emotionally. I have grown to be their Mommy G (sometimes Mommy J or Jeje Mom). Tinay is their "masungit na tiyahin" while Claire (also Tyang Rose) is their "mabait na tiyahin". Tinaypay and Clairebear, by the way, were the babies of the team when I was captain. This experience wouldn't have been as fulfilling if we weren't in it together.

Okay, let's fast forward to days before PACSiklaban. We've always known that defending the championship  will not be easy. Little did we know that our toughest trial will come just days before. To be honest, I don't know how we pulled through it but having overcome it, I feel like we've already emerged champions.

But of course, we are who we are. We want the literal win, not just the proverbial one.

Because we had to bring the trophy and defend it, I was tasked to carry it home the day before and bring it to the venue the following day. I slept with the trophy that night and I was a tad too nostalgic about it. I remembered the very first time the trophy came to our possession. I was part of the team back when Ate Mich was captain. The following year, I became captain and we rallied to keep it. I believe there was a picture of Ate Mich passing it on to me. The year after that, I came back to watch the contest and while I only stood on the sidelines, I felt the pang all the same when it slipped away from us.

Nevertheless, I had full confidence that it's someday going to find it's way back to the dusty cabinets of IC DO. And it did. It took two years but it did.

Now back to us. Moments before the contest, the kids arrived at the venue with the big shoes that they have now grown to fit into. We had little kids on our team. Little, literally. I was worried they'd go Pitch Perfect on us and disqualify us for recruiting high school kids. But then again, the other teams looked like post doc fellows and that should be worse than having kids in the team. I kid, I kid. But seriously, what is it? Must be something in the hot elbi water, right?

The shoes were a perfect fit I was sure but we still fell a little short. I don't know. Maybe we wore Louboutins when we should have been wearing Nike's. For a several questions, we were playing catch up with the other teams. There were times we ranked fourth and I was terribly worried they'd give up in the middle of the fight. But I should have known better not to question the heart of a champion. The kids held on and at the end of it all, we managed to place second.

UP Diliman placed first but we sure didn't make it easy for them. It was one hell of a fight and for that I am and will always be proud of my kids.

The Perpetual Trophy is now sitting on someone else's dusty cabinet.. But I have no doubt in my mind that someway, somehow, it will find it's way home to us...

<Fade out>

<Play video>

Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless handheld